Book One

The Dream Catcher's Dream

Chapter Twenty One

A Preview of Coming Attractions

I drop Jazbell off at her front door and drive home with an absolute resolve to distract myself whenever I start fantasizing about our upcoming Sunday session.   My resolve sticks like sweetness to honey.   I actually amaze myself at how well I do compared to my dismal performance of just a few days before. 

By the Saturday before our great adventure, I have completed, not one, but two stories.   Both are ready for submission to my editor.   I’m quite pleased with myself.   Although I don’t know it at the time, I have just passed one of Jazbell’s tests with flying colors, but more on that later.

By Saturday afternoon, with my work done and only 22 hours yet to wait, I find myself in a frenzy of anticipation.   In spite of my resolve and my excellent performance of the past week, I completely blow my agreement and fantasize about everything from what she will look like naked to what she will be wearing, and to how we will share our time together.

By sundown, I manage to regain my composure and get back into integrity with my agreement about not fantasizing.   I’m also OK with the fact that for the past four hours I’ve completely violated that agreement.

On Sunday morning, I awaken at sunrise.   I’m too excited to go back to sleep so I go out and start my car just to be sure it will start.   I also check the tires, the oil, and the fuel gauge.   I bathe, shave, and by 8:00 a.m., I’m dressed and ready to go.   I pace around for forty minutes, and then drink a large glass of fresh orange juice.   At 8:45, I leave.   I drive very slowly and still arrive at Jazbell’s at 9:27, a full 33 minutes early.   Because I don’t want her to see me there so early, I park around the corner and wait.   At 9:53, I drive around the corner and park in front of her house.   There’s a car in her driveway that’s not hers and that I don’t recognize.   At 9:58, I ring her doorbell.

With her natural bubbling joviality, Jazbell opens the door at 9:59.   “You’re exactly on time, Stoney.   That’s a good sign.”

Mindlessly, I blurted out, “Actually, I arrived 30 minutes ago.”   As my words come out, I cringe inside at the absurdity of my statement.

“Oh, you could have come in when you arrived.”

“No.   We agreed to 10:00 am.”

“Well, come on in now.”

I walked in feeling like a firecracker on a fourth of July morning.

With wide eyes and a fast-beating heart, I walk into the living room only to find another man sitting on her couch.   My heart stops; my eyes pop.   “What’s he doing here?” I think to myself.

He stands up as we enter.   “Stoney, I’d like you to meet James Johnson.   Jim, this is Stoney Tonto, the reporter I’ve been telling you about.”

I think, “She’s been telling him about me.   What’s she been telling him?”

I swallow hard.   “It’s a pleasure to meet you James, or is it Jim?”

“Jim’s fine.”

I look at Jazbell.   The look on my face must have been a combination of boiling, freezing, and tomato soup, because the moment Jazbell looks at me, she immediately says, “Stoney, it’s Jim’s cabin we’re going to.   Jim is on his way to L. A.   He was nearby, and so he stopped to meet you and to wish us both a joyous adventure.”

My heart topples back into my chest, and the hair on the back of my neck drops in relief.   I hand Jazbell the chocolate ice cream that I’m still holding.   She excuses herself to put it into her freezer.   I turn to Jim.   “So you have a cabin.   Jazbell hasn’t told me anything about it.   Where is it and what’s it like?”

Jazbell walks in just as Jim is responding to my question.   “It’s up in Bear Valley, and other than that, I’ll let your-up-and coming experience tell you what it’s like."

I think to myself,   “Up-and-coming experience.   Hmmmph.   Either he’s another smart-ass, or I’m projecting my own expectations into his words.”

Jim stays for less than ten minutes and then leaves for the airport and his private plane.   As soon as he’s out the door, I ask, “What have you told him about me?”

“Only that you are a good writer.   I gave him a copy of your Interview with the Devil.   He thought it was very well done.”

“Did you tell him about us — about today?”

“Not in so many words.   We are, however, going to his cabin.   I’ll let your deductive reasoning come to its own conclusions.”

“Is he part of the CLI Circles?”

Jazbell just smiles and repeats her last words.   “Again, I’ll let your deductive reasoning come to its own conclusions.”

“Why all the mystery?   What’s going on?

Again Jazbell just smiles and repeats her last words.   “I’ll let your deductive reasoning come to its own conclusions.   I would suggest, however, that you get out of your head and just be here with me now.”

“OK, coach.   I know you’re right.”   I take a deep breath and say,   “Now what?”

“You’re here and you’re excited, so let’s start our day together.”

“Excited?   What makes you think I’m excited?

“Come on, Stoney!   Do you think I’m a complete idiot?   To start with, you have, contrary to my suggestion, been fantasizing about this day for the past two weeks.   Second, you arrived 30 minutes early; third, your chin almost hit the floor when you saw Jim; fourth, your face is still flushed; and fifth, your eyes are dilated.   Do I need to go on?”

I react to Jazbell with still another wave of mixed emotions.   Part of me is, once again, in awe at her insight and her candor, and part of me feels like a teenager who has just been caught masturbating.   “Thank you, Jazbell, that will not be necessary.”

She turns to the 12-year old who is standing in front of her and says, “Stoney, sometimes your innocence is so sweet.   That’s one of your qualities that I like very much.   I’m not criticizing you or making you wrong.   I’m simply bringing to your here-and-now awareness, what you already know.”

“I’d like to think that I’m not that transparent.”

“You’re not here on assignment for a story.   You’re here for Stoney to have a joy-filled day, so please relax and just be Stoney.”

“What you just described is Stoney.”

“Yes and no.   Let me make a distinction for you.   There is Stoney and then there is the story you keep telling yourself about Stoney.   Your self-story, like everyone else’s,  is full of self-judgments, fixed expectation and limitations about who and what you can be and do.   You have a whole set of beliefs about all kinds of things and many of those beliefs get your way because they are beliefs about reality and have nothing to do with reality.   You needn't judge yourself about such being as you are because your quite normal.   It’s just part of being human on the planet at this time.

    So for today, whenever you feel sad, disappointed, embarrassed, or anything else you could label a “feel bad,” just think of that as part of your story about Stoney.   Whenever you catch yourself in your “Story about Stoney,” just be aware of it.   Feel whatever feeling you’re feeling.

    Look at it from the perspective that nothing is right.  Nothing is wrong.   Everything just is.   Stoney is neither right nor wrong.   He's neither good nor bad.   Stoney just is.

    We each do life from our own set of self-stories.   So, at least for today, hold the idea that whatever you do is correct, that whatever you do is perfectly OK.”

“Thank you.   That helps, but I still have one question.”

“And that is...”

“How do you know I’ve been fantasizing about this day?”

“Because you are a healthy, normal man.   I would be very surprised if you hadn’t.   The issue is not about whether or not you fantasize.   It’s about the stories you keep telling yourself.   Let me clarify the distinction between you and your story."

She holds out her hands palms up, as though she’s holding something in each hand.   She gestures her right hand to me and says, “You fantasized.”   She gestures her left hand to me and says, “You didn’t fantasize."

Moving her hands appropriately, she repeats, “You fantasized.   You didn’t fantasize.   You fantasized.    You didn’t fantasize.   There is no right.   There is no wrong.   There is only choice.   You fantasize.   You don’t fantasize.   That’s Stoney."

    What you tell yourself about your fantasizing is your story about Stoney — like ‘I’m bad!’   ‘I shouldn’t have done it!’    These stories about Stoney are all made up out of your head based on your past.   They’re all bullshit.

If you could be other than who you are, you probably would be.   So I invite you to just watch and listen to the stories as they come up.   Don’t do anything with them other than feel the feelings, which, by the way, will soon pass of their own accord.   So, you see, at any time, you are free to let go of your story and move on.”

“Thank you.”

“Are you complete with this for now?

“Yes,” I say.

“Good, then let’s move on.   One of our mutual intentions for today is for both of us to become and stay in a heightened state of sensual/sexual joy.”

She stands up and motions me to do likewise.   Not having the slightest idea of what to expect next, I stand facing her with my heart again beating fast.   She takes my left hand in hers and says,  “Close your eyes.   Now loosen your arm muscles and let your arm and your hand just be.”

She moves my hand until I relax, then I feel my hand being placed on her stomach approximate over her belly button.   At the touch of her body, I twitch and open my eyes.   “Relax.  Close your eyes,” she says softly.

I close my as she moves my hand under her blouse and directly against the warm smooth skin of her abdomen.   “Breathe,” she whispers.

Oh yes, breathe!   Momentarily, I had forgotten about that.   I take in a deep breath, and as I breathe, she moves my hand slowly upward, around, over, and onto her right breast and then gently slides it back to her abdomen.

My loins immediately respond.   My heart beats even faster.   She takes my hand out from under her blouse and says, “Open your eyes, please.”

I open my eyes and see her smiling beautiful face and sparkling eyes about twelve inches from mine.   Before I can speak, she says, “First bite of still another elephant?”

I just stand there looking at her.

End of Chapter Twenty One

A Preview of Coming Attractions

Take me to Book One -- Chapter Twenty Two  

To the Cabin

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