A Statement of Intention:

“Would you share that list with me now please?”  

I read to him the following statement of intention.   

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“Jezebel, I’m sure you’re aware that your stated intentions are extremely idealistic.   Don’t expect yourself to be able to manifest this ideal, and above all, don’t expect Stoney to do so either.”  

“Yes, I know.   I hold this as a list of possibilities.   My intention was to create a list of everything joyous that I could think of and then use that list as my vision of possibilities.”

I’m pleased to hear Intendr, acknowledge my effort.   He says, “I see that as a healthy and wise perspective, because if you don’t at least set them up as possibilities, you’ll never reach them.”

“Except perchance by accident,” I say.

“Jezebel, notice, also, that the words you use describe states of being such as passionate and honest.   They don’t describe specific physical attributes, like what your romantic partner shall look like.”

“If he could express even half of the attributes listed here, he could look like a gorilla and I wouldn’t care.   But I find Stoney to also be a handsome man.   I take that as more frosting on the cake.”

“And did you write your list of reasons why you want to be in an intimate relationship?”

“I’ve only started on that.”

“Remember, your desire, your passion and your excitement are your access to the power of The Divine — the more passion, the faster the manifestation of your desire.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Good!   So tell me a couple of your reasons.”

“Oh, that’s easy.   Because I’ll have a friend, companion, and lover.   I’ll feel loved and cared for.   I’ll have a partner to share things with.   I’ll have someone to add grounding and a sense of reality to my fanciful and wild ideas.   I’ll get immediate feedback when I’m not walking my talk.   And I’ll have great sex.   Is that enough?” I ask.  

“Yes, you’re on the right track.   Just keep going.   Write those things on a list, and every time something else occurs to you, add it to the list.   And, remember, don’t try to drag the reasons out of your mind.   Just let them flow as they come.”  

“Yeah, I know that, too.”  

He adds, “And, oh how easy we also forget, but that’s the nature of being human.   As long as you can accept your humanness and move on whenever you catch yourself forgetting, you’ll do just fine.”  

The Secret Is Out:

“Except that I still have one problem.   My action is still overwhelmed and stopped by fear.   I’ve almost told the truth to Stoney three times now, and each time, fear has overwhelmed me and I sat silently, instead.   I want to know what’s causing such irrational fear; I want to get past it, and I want to get past it now!”  

“My, you’re full of fire, this morning.”  

“Intendr, what’s the cause of my fear?”  

“This is not really the appropriate time to get into that issue.   The specifics are important but are best left to another time.   I recommend that you acknowledge your fear and simply speak to Stoney in spite of it.”  

I look at him and repeat my request.   “Intendr, what’s the cause of my fear?”  

He says, “For every thing a season, a time for every purpose under heaven.”  

“Right timing or not, I still want to know.”  

He looks intently at me and says, “Henrietta Theodora Scrivener, you have a second problem, stubbornness.   Your fear stems from an early childhood experience that was rather traumatic, and you’ve chosen not to remember the incident or the circumstances that triggered it.”  

“Please tell me about it?”  

“Did I not just say this is not really the appropriate time to get into the issue —that it’s best left to another time?”  

“Intender, I want to know, please tell me, now.”  

“Jazz, how many times has your insistence pulled you into areas best left alone?”

“I don’t care!   Tell me anyway.”  

“OK.   Sit down on the grass here.”  

I sit and look at him expectantly.   He says nothing.  

“Well?” 

“Once I tell you, you can’t unknow it.   Are you sure?”

“Yes!” I say.

“OK, here it is.   The man who raised you as his daughter is not your biological father.”  

If I wasn’t already sitting, I’d have fallen down.   My mouth drops open and I just stare at him.  When I can finally speak, all I can say is, “Holy shit, Sherlock!”   After a very long silence, I say, “No wonder you didn’t want to tell me this now.   Who knows about this?”

“Only your mother.”  

“And my biological father?”  

“He was never informed of your mother's pregnancy?   Your mom’s the only one who knows, and she’s kept it a secret all these years.”  

I ask, “Who is my biological father?”  

“You’ll need to talk with your mother to get that answer.” 

“And where does my fear fit into this?”

“When you were young, your parents got into a terrible fight over one of your mother’s affairs.”  

“Mom? having sexual affairs?   You’ve go to be kidding!   You said affairs plural.   Was there more than one?”  

“Yes, three actually.   When you were five, your dad caught her, and a major confrontation occurred.   You were in the house at the time and overheard a very angry fight.   From that day on, your dad suspected something was amiss about you because you don’t have any of his biological characteristics, but he could never prove anything.”  

“My purity-peddling mother having affairs!   I would have guessed that to be about as likely as Santa Claus doing ménage á trois with the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny.”   I sit thinking about this new revelation for a couple minutes, then get up, silently walk to the stream, and sit on a rock with my feet in the water.”  

It’s Action Time:

For another minute, I watch a couple of tadpoles swimming around, then turn to Intendr and say, “How am I ever going to talk to Stoney, now?”  

“Jazz, you’re going do so the same way you would have talked to him before, only now, you have some additional information you can share with him and another issue for you to deal with.   There is, however, another option, and that is don’t tell him about it.”  

“I can’t hide it from him, if I’m going to get romantically involved with him.”  

“Jazz, your parental lineage need not affect your relationship with him.   Besides, you’re already romantically involved with him.”  

“Yeah, I guess I am, but I can’t even admit to him that I love him, so how am I going to tell him I don’t even know who my father is?”

“If it’s any consolation, you’re not alone.   Two American research studies, one conducted in the early 1950’s and the second in the 1990’s, both indicate that ten percent of all children are born into families where the family father is not the child’s biological father.” _14-2   

“I don’t care about statistics.”  

“Well, then, how about considering this revelation within its broader, divine context — where we’re all brothers and sisters — where all is right just as it is — and where none of this makes the slightest difference.”  

“I’m still feeling fear.   I’m not ready yet to open my heart to Stoney.” 

“Jezebel, if you were coaching someone else in this same situation, what would you say to their hesitancy to take action?” 

Again I’m silent because I know the answer and don’t want to face it.   Finally I answer with, “The doing makes you ready.“  

“Well?”  

“Yes, I know!  I know!”  

“Knowing is a head trip.   What are you going to do?”  

“Take action.”  

“By when?”  

“Soon.”  

“Come on!   Saying soon is another cop out.   By when will you take action?”  

I pause for a long time.   My mind is churning, seeking a way to avoid commitment.    Then, from seemingly nowhere a picture of the moon pops into my head and I hear myself saying, “I’ll tell him before the next full moon.”  

“That’s thirteen days from now.   Are you sure you want to wait that long?”  

“No.   The anticipation is already driving me crazy.   I may tell him this Saturday, but I hereby commit myself in front of you that the next full moon will be my deadline date for sharing my feelings with Stoney.   And as far as the father business goes, I won’t make any commitments about that yet.”  

“Now that you have made a commitment to action, how do you feel?”

“I’m still scared, but at the same time, I’m feeling more peaceful.”

“Is it really fear or is it excitement that you’re feeling?   There’s nothing that’s going to harm you by sharing your feelings and desires with Stoney.   At the very worst, you could be turned down, and that’s highly unlikely.   You’re on the brink of a life-changing adventure, so I invite you to look at your fear and see it as excitement about the possibilities that lie ahead.”  

“Intendr, you just took my fear and put it in a different context, and, in doing so gave it a whole new meaning.   Sometimes I find the simplicity of your insights amazing.   I know all this.   It’s just that, at times, I freeze into stone and do nothing.”  

“Well, my lady, welcome to planet Earth.   Imperfection is the nature of being human.   As long as you remember not to take yourself or any of this earthly stuff too seriously, you’ll be just fine.   Also remember that, from a cosmic perspective, human life is just another game, so relax, let go and above all, give yourself permission to be who and what your nature directs you to be.   And one more thing.” 

“What’s that?”  

“Congratulate yourself for having wisdom to seek advice and assistance when you get stuck.”  

“Yes, I know and thank you for your willingness to assist me. “ 

“I take great joy in doing so.   What are you going to do now?” he asks.  

“I’m going home and calling Stoney, right now.”  

“Then, do it,” he says and points in the direction of my home.  

We part company, I walk home briskly, and, before I have a chance to think any more about this, I call Stoney and tell him I want to meet with him this very evening.   I invite him for dinner, but tell him I’ll be ordering pizza after he arrives.   He’s agreeable and at five minutes before seven, he’s knocking on my door.   I invite him in and greet him with a long hug.   I’m feeling scared and excited at the same time — and hoping he doesn’t notice.

End of Chapter Fourteen ---  It's Action Time